As I sat down to write this week’s message on “Fear of Intimacy.” I thought to myself, “I don’t want to do this. I hate that topic!” Perhaps I have a problem.
The concept of men fearing intimacy is a bit of a cliche. We expect it in men. I think that’s because when we guys hear the word, the picture that comes to mind is quite frightening for us. Intimacy conjures up images of us crying, going antiquing, listening to our partner’s endlessly detailed stories and having to dutifully nod at the end of each sentence with an “I know” or “Yes, how interesting.” In other words, even if you don’t believe in a literal Hell, intimacy becomes a fairly close recreation for us.
Men have a problem with intimacy in our relationships. When we’re angry, we tend to retreat, sometimes not even letting know we are angry. We do this with our wives, our children and our friends. We don’t communicate honestly. Even though last week, I talked about us all having special gifts, the one gift no one has is that of being a mind reader. We expect people to guess how we are feeling. That lack of honest communication prevents us from having close relationships.
Although this intimacy phobia is often portrayed as limited to the male of the species, some behaviors stereotypically associated with females also demonstrates this fear. For instance, guys, have you ever asked a woman “What’s wrong?” and they say, “Nothing.” You know there’s something wrong. She knows there’s something wrong, but the problem isn’t being communicated. Think of all the hours men would get back if every women we to whom we asked “What’s wrong?” answered us on the first try. We may not realize it, but that is symptomatic of fear of intimacy.
Another example of which we are all guilty, have you ever wanted someone to do something for you, but rather than just ask him directly, you drop hints. That lack of honesty in communication may also be a sign that you are avoiding intimacy in that relationship.
In our journey to become the people God created us to be, this fear of intimacy is yet another roadblock. Regardless of our gender, we are all guilty of creating barriers to closeness in our relationships. These barriers are not limited to our romantic relationships, we routinely erect them in families, friendships, even in churches. We even set up barriers to block our intimacy with God. In fact, the Bible claims that is at the heart of all our dysfunctional human relationships - a fear of intimacy with God.