Why Do Churches Need to Make Teens Cry?

This weekend I, along with others, am heading out to take seventeen kids on a Confirmation retreat.  Youth ministry is not my specialty, mostly because of my own personal aversion to it.  It’s not kids that bother me.  They’re always great. It’s the youth pastors and programs I have seen over the years.  Sometimes it’s due to a youth leader’s uncomfortable blend of neediness and ego.  Sometimes it’s the arrogant assumption that they know the kids better than the kid’s parents and as such these children must be saved from their families.  However, most of the time, the source of my squirming is the content of many youth educational materials.

As I put together the teaching sessions for this weekend, I relied on a denominational resource for youth retreats.  Overall, it was very good.  I selected a program with the theme of “Following Jesus” since I thought it would avoid all the heavy-handed emotional manipulation typical of “how-to-make-sure-you-go-to-heaven-if-you-die-tonight” curriculum.  I was wrong.

There it was, in the outline of the last session.  After a weekend of discussing the teachings of Jesus, fun activities and songs, but before closing the deal with an altar/campfire call and communion, there was the “make them cry” moment.  Wedged into a very intelligent retreat program was a reading to share with the kids about the forensic details of crucifixion.  Written by a doctor, it described in harrowing accuracy the physiological horror of this method of execution.  My guess is it’s supposed to make the girls cry while the gory details add a veneer of masculinity for the boys.  It was almost as if mainline denomination's resources were trying to emulate more Evangelical resources, in a desperate attempt at relevance.

I understand the need to discuss the suffering of God in Jesus.  After all, I just got back from a week with Jurgen Moltmann.  However this strikes me, not as a means to encounter the God who suffers with us, but a way of pushing the emotional buttons of teens.  Face it, you talk to a fourteen year-old kid about someone who died tragically and they’re going to cry and think it’s God.  Combined with the inherent sleep deprivation common to youth retreats, a more cynical observer would say this resembles brain washing.

This is not to single out a particular book since I have experienced this time and time and again.  For each of the past six years, our youth have gone a mission trip coordinated by a large Christian publishing house.  Each year, we are warned that the last night will be very emotional for the kids.  The worship program always includes a video that is melodramatic and sensational.  There is always an overtone of violence; clips from “The Passion”, testimonies about kids cutting themselves, or a horrible tragedy.  It works every time.  Afterwards many of the youth sit on the ground crying, consoled by their friends and counselors.  It makes us adults feel very useful.  But sometimes it strikes me as slapping a kid in the face just so we can kiss it and make it feel better.   In my evaluation form, I wrote that I found this emotionally manipulative.  A few weeks later, I received a form letter from the organization that parroted my comments back to me and said they were sorry the experience did not meet my expectations.  I think an airline once sent me the same letter when they lost my luggage.

My intention is not to bash youth ministry or even teens having emotional moments on youth retreats.  I had a few of my own campfire moments growing up and I turned out all right.  The teen years are certainly an emotional time and many of our teens are going through emotional struggles.  What I question is the church’s need to manufacture these moments through specious theology.  Why do we presume that unless teens are crying, the message of the gospel is not getting through to them?  Why is the gospel presented almost exclusively as merely a way to avoid a tragic fate? Most of our churches don’t treat adults that way.

When Jesus invited people to follow him, he did so by casting a vision of nets cast to catch people.  He didn’t titillate his audience with tales of poor Schlomo who died in a chariot accident on his way to hear the Sermon on the Mount.  He told open-ended stories about God’s reign and usually left it to his hearers to put the pieces together for themselves.  Why can’t we trust teens to encounter God’s Kingdom in the same way?

I would love to hear from those of you who work in youth ministry.  Have you had similar misgivings about the “make them cry” moment?  Are there healthier ways to form young disciples of Jesus, and how have you used them?  Where is the line for you, between honest emotional conversations and manufactured manipulation?  How do we honestly talk about the suffering of Jesus, as well all humans, without falling into this trap?

Comments

[Deb Holton-Smith]

Don...I totally agree. Humor and laughter is another emotion that I feel is a much better approach. GOOD for you for walking the road "less traveled". XOXODeb Holton-Smith

[Chris Smith]

We do need to give the kids credit for recognizing that the emotional event is part of the program. Known to all as "cry night", there's often discussion of whether it met their expectations.

[revjulie]

Great post. I have the same dis-ease with these types of materials, finding them manipulative and bizarre. I find that many youth have enough pain in their lives and understand suffering, betrayal, loss, violence quite well. I have also met plenty of sheltered and blessed youth who don't necessarily have a good understanding of suffering, and I wonder if this type of youth ministry comes from a desire to "make the gospel compelling to young people."

The problem is, in my opinion, this degree of pride or assumption that our task as youth ministers is to make faith happen, rather than trusting that the gospel is compelling on it's own, and it is God who speaks into the hearts of youth. I think we do much better when we assume that God is already working in the hearts of our youth, instead of working from the fear that it is all on us.

As for other resources that leave that out - I find myself either leaving that part out of an otherwise decent resource or creating my own.

[Don Heatley]

Deb - agree about the use of humor and laughter. Youth resources they are often used merely as ice-breakers.

Chris- yes. The irony of this whole strategy is that most kids are savvy enough to spot it. Unfortunately it can leave a longer-lasting bad impression of Christianity.

Rev Julie - Thanks for stopping by and contributing. Yes I agree there is an assumption that unless one "closes the deal" the event is somehow a failure. Too bad we all have to spend so much time editing and tweaking. It would be great if there were resources that presented other viewpoints, but I'm busy w/ enough stuff right now :-)

Peace,
Don

[Rick Johnson]

Don, I've been working on a film on new discipleship, and while it's not specifically directed to youth ministry, it includes how as new disciples we communicate the promise of following Jesus to both young and old in a contemporary, believable, plausible way.

The old centerpieces of penal substitution in Jesus' death on the cross and the literal promises concerning *heaven* aren't compelling for rational thinkers young or old. (This is to take nothing away from the importance of Jesus' triumph over death, nor the metaphors with which he described life after death - something that as humans we cannot possibly comprehend this side of the grave.)

It is Jesus' submission to God's will, and his promise of the Kingdom of God both here among us and after this life that are both compelling and truthful.... Read More

I'm saddened when I see Christians pandering to youth (or anyone) by exploiting Jesus' story (à la Mel Gibson) or by banking on the supernatural promises of the Flat Earth Society.

[Jjoe]

With all due respect, if my daughter came home and told me about that experience, it would be her last session.

It's a strange commentary on our society when you can't show a woman's breast on TV, but if she's killed in a very graphic, violent, shocking way it's perfectly OK.

How did we become so tolerant of extreme violence? I cannot help but link that to the crime rate.

[Don Heatley]

I'm with you there, Jjoe. Churches need more parents like you to speak up. That can be difficult since many faith communities are so happy to have a youth program, they will tolerate anything. If you question it, you run the risk of being ostracized. Thankfully, the church I serve now questions such behavior.

Good point about TV violence. Like violent stories @ youth events, violent acts against women on TV have become the expected norm. Still, the church has to come to terms with the fact that at the center of our faith is violent act which we see as somehow redemptive.

[Nora]

Dear Don,
I went on a youth mission with my daughter as an adult participant. We were given very little information regarding the experiences we were to encounter. It was wonderful. Then, we had this emotional,cry night (as Chris puts it) and it seemed as if these teens were almost pressured into a personal place where they had to emerge crying or feel odd for not doing so. I was dumbfounded, uncomfortable and rather dismayed and upset at this whole scene. Not to mention that I could sense that my daughter was probably feeling the same way. Later on , she spoke candidly and said she was unnerved not only at everyone sobbing but how she felt odd that she had no traumatic event however small or large to drag up and be upset over. (Makes a parent feel good, lol.) My roommate felt similar in regards to her own son.
The trip was such a joyous , contemplative bonding experience. I was shocked at this heavy, sad mood that consumed everyone and it seemed that this session would not close till all emotional buttons were pressed. I felt it unnecessary and disturbing. I did write that on my evaluation that I submitted at the closing.
I found your article interesting and I was surprised to learn that this is part of many youth programs. Thanks for your perspective.
Nora

[Gary]

This frequently seems to be coupled with lack of sleep, to make it especially possible, even in adult retreats. Keep them up late, roust them at the crack of dawn, and guess what, they're more open to spiritual experiences because they're tired.

[Don Heatley]

I wonder if any youth leaders out there can add to this conversation. Is there still pressure to do this sort of thing? Has it been replaced with an equally questionable practice? Or have many leaders taken a healthier approach, as RevJulie described?

[Lewis]

My youth leader has rejected that stuff to a large degree. However, what emotion is not acceptable to us? There has to be a balance between manipulation and legitimate emotion in response to the presence of God. As to "literal" heaven, what is figurative heaven? You don't really continue to exist after death? Or did you mean heaven may be different than literal streets of gold?

[Pam Heatley]

Lewis makes a good point. Is this just fear of emotion? I can see wondering that but in my experience having taken many groups of teens on similar youth overnight events I have found that in many cases the desired outcome of the final nights program is way over the emotional top. I don't think it is much concern for healthy grounded kids but I have had experiences where a teen had lost a parent or gone through some real traumatic stuff and I don't believe we were adequately equipped to deal with the fall out in that environment. I felt like I was walking on thin ice.

[Liz]

I am a parent and my kids have grown up in a conservative christian evangelical culture doing all the youth camps, mission trips, disciple weekends, retreats etc. - I hate the emotionally manipulative stuff. I also see it used in adult retreats quite often - as Gary said. I also hate another thing I see used at a lot of youth events and that is having an outside speaker come in and intimidate the kids by yelling at them (part of his presentation) about how bad they are. Again, it seems like a way to manipulate them into doing something. It is this kind of stuff that makes me not want to encourage my child (plus the big bucks that it costs for kids to participate in all the youth stuff- that's another story)to go to these events.

[Cameron Horsburgh]

Ever since I've been involved in the adult side of youth ministry I've always hated the thought of toying with kids' emotions in order to get them to 'make Jesus their special friend.' Thankfully, the leaders of the camps I've worked at in recent years feel the same way. There is definitely an evangelistic strand to the proceedings, but nothing manipulative.

However, 'strong' evangelism is still alive and well in my denomination, even lauded. Last year there was a youth camp which was cut short because of a particularly horrific bout of gastro that went through the whole camp. The camp was ended a few days early, so 'cry night' didn't get to happen. All the kids were loaded on to the bus and sent home.

The guest leader of the camp, who has a reputation for somewhat 'heroic' evangelism, got on to the bus before it left and made it quite clear that he wasn't going to let satan (he refuses to spell the word with a capital 'S') win. He did an altar call of sorts there and then. About 30 kids put their hands up in some sort of sign of repentance. I'm not sure they were all ready for it though---two kids puked during the prayer time!

There's a time and a place for most things, but spiritual abse isn't one of them.